broken souls
by Lady Murder
Summary: Christmas is near, but the damn cloud of loneliness just keeps getting thicker.


**Disclaimer: hp doesn't belong to me.**

 **::**

 **broken souls**

The doorbell rang and Sirius opened his eyes, feeling the effects of the alcohol in his whole body. He was drunk to the point to not even bother by the screams of his dead mother's painting, which was something, since her rants, not matter what time in his life, always gave him a headache. Maybe he would have one on the next morning.

The doorbell rang once again and Sirius looked around for Kreacher, to send the old house-elf to open it, but he was once more nowhere to be seen. Murmuring bad words under his breath, Sirius got up to open it, trembling all the way. It would probably be Moody or Tonks, since they were the ones that mostly stopped by, even though for only a few minutes. Black got himself thinking what Andromeda would say about his daughter apparently not even going home, but then again, he couldn't have known, since she wasn't talking to him ever since Tonks joined the Order. Actually, he hadn't been talking to barely anyone, not even Harry, since the fucking owls were being watched.

With those dark, lonely thoughts, he opened the door, but was surprised by Lupin smiling at him. "Hey. I found some time to stop by, sorry for not appearing earli… Are you drunk?" Remus started saying, when Sirius gave him passage to come in, noticing his unfocused eyes and unstable walk. Sirius gave him a shrug and went to stop his mother's screaming, which were finally reaching his head. When he came back, Lupin was waiting for him at the kitchen.

"What're you doin' here? Thought you're in duty." Black asked, throwing himself in a chair next to Remus, resting his face on the table, but still looking at him.

"I was, I'm on my break until tomorrow…" Remus noticed Sirius' face turning sour. "…so I thought I should stop by. I know I can only come from weeks to weeks… I'm sorry. I wish I could come more often."

"Don't be. Do you think I wish you to be here, in this damn old house, with a complaining grown-man like me? Nah. That's not what I want. I wish I could be out there with you, though…" He said, with a bitter expression and Remus nodded slightly, comprehensively.

"Yeah… I know… But, hey. Christmas is near. Why don't decorate here a bit and throw a party with Harry? I bet he would like it. Spend the holidays with his godfather, while maybe you could tell stories about James, about us back in the days." Remus tried, smiling softly. Sirius seemed to consider the thought, even raised up his head a little, but then sighed and went back to his misery.

"Nah. I wouldn't do that to him, ruin his Christmas with this old hag of a godfather he has. Besides, Molly will probably ask him to go to the Burrow. It would be terrible to make him choose. And, well, I can't even invite him with that toad woman loathing around Hogwarts." Black retorted, his head so full of pessimistic thoughts that he couldn't even get happy with the idea, because he knew too well how wrong it would go.

Lupin stared at him for a moment. Sirius' eyes were a much darker grey than the last time he saw him. His face was thinner, which made him think he wasn't even eating properly. The dark circles around his eyes and the way he opened the door for him only made him think that he was probably getting himself drunk until sleep every day. He imagined this same Sirius all by himself during Christmas. For brief seconds, Remus felt a sudden urge to scream at Dumbledore. To tell him that he was slowly killing him. That if he could see how… lonely and broken his eyes were – eyes that one day were so vivid – he would see that this look was even more dangerous than anything the Ministry or the Death Eaters could do. Remus just wanted to do something, anything to bring some life to him again. To not let him rot the same way the house he hated so much was rotting.

"Maybe… No. Hey. I'll be here during Christmas. How about it?" Lupin watched as Sirius' iris slowly extended and seemed less clouded. He couldn't hold a sigh of relief.

"Hm, are you sure? Don't you have the magic world to save or something like that?"

"No, leave it to me. I will be here and we're going to have some proper Christmas. Mine would be talking to a bunch of dubious people, so to spend it with you, even if you are a complaining grown-man, would be much better." Sirius nodded, allowing himself a small smile, in which Remus smiled back, his chest hurting a little.

"That would be nice, yeah."

"Oh and even though we can't invite Harry, we should probably give him a present. Want to give him one together?" Remus asked and Sirius raised his head, supporting it on his hand, his eyebrows raised. "To be honest, I'm kinda broke at the moment, so it would be nice to split…"

Sirius gave a small laugh, that sounded more like a dog barking than anything. "Yeah, I think it would be nice too. Maybe we could give him something to help with the Defense Against the Dark Arts group. It would be something that Moony and Padfoot would do. Prongs would like that."

The both men stared at each other for a moment. The feeling of longing clearly passing through their veins. Remus nodded slowly. "Good. I'll try to go to the Diagon Alley, then. Maybe give him some books about it."

"Okay. That sounds more like a thing that Moony would do, but ok, I trust your judgement."

There were a pause there. With at least something to wait for, Sirius' forces were somewhat renewed, or at least less devastated that they were, and he could finally _see_ Lupin through the cloud that his misery was forming every day. His clothes seemed in a state no better than Mundungus' were. He too had dark circles under his eyes and a weary and tired face, with some bones showing under his skin. Black thought about all the full moons he had spent alone. The last year, they could pass some together, like they did when teenagers, but now… everything and everyone seemed so busy. Well, everyone except him. He wished more than ever that he could do something. If not for the cause, for the war to come, for Harry, at least for Remus Lupin, which had eyes of a broken soul just like he had.

Sirius reached for Lupin's hand with his own, touching his calloused palm with his fingertips. Remus looked at him softly.

"You know…" Sirius started, hoarsely. "I know I've told you this before, but in those twelve years in Azkaban, I always thought about you… It was happily at first, hopefully then, and sometimes concernedly… all those thoughts were stolen from me, eventually, of course. But then, when I was left with only thoughts about vengeance against Peter, you were still there, somehow. Not with happy thoughts anymore, or good memories of us or anything. You were just… there. Reminding me that you stayed alive despite yourself. And that I should do exactly that. I'm trying to say, Remus, is that in the middle of my whole misery here in this damned house, I forgot to remind you tha-"

"I know. Sirius, I know." Remus interrupted, squeezing Sirius' hand tightly. "You don't need to tell me that so I can remind me of it. I've always told you that."

Sirius shook his head, then brought the hand he was holding to his lips, kissing its palm softly once. Twice. "I love you, Remus, I still wanted to say that." He then pierced Remus with his grey eyes. The latter almost wanted to sigh in relief again, to see that while saying that, Sirius' iris were even larger, even less clouded than before.

"I love you too, Sirius." He thought in saying sorry for not being there to say it more, for letting him stay in the house he said he would never come back to, for saying sorry for every little thing that he felt guilt for, but for that moment alone… saying only that felt enough.

Lupin leaned in to kiss him, being gladly welcomed.

"You reek of booze." Remus whispered between the kiss, making Sirius give his dog-like laugh.

Despite everything else, there were something that was definitely worth of keep on living for.

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 **N/A:** I was just re-reading Order of the Phoenix, just at the part that Harry gets his jointed present from Remus and Sirius. And this headcanon always got me, so I finally wrote it. I get so sad reading this book, really. It's just... so full of misery ;; Those poor souls. JKR is just mean ;;  
Anyways. Hope you like it and cry with me.


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